The Price for Chasing Perfection

"I wish I had her boobs; they're so perfect and my boobs are so big and ugly." This is part of a conversation I heard between two young women (late teens early 20s) as they thumbed through a magazine. My heart sank at this statement because it felt like such a waste. This young woman, like millions of others, will spend a good portion of her life chasing a perfection that doesn't exist and the price will be missing out on the beauty and brilliance of her body today. That feels like a waste.

There's no one definition of perfect which makes it even more illusive; how will you know when you have the perfect body, hair, boobs, skin, wardrobe, home, job etc? The commonly held idea that the perfect body looks a certain way doesn't account for whether that body is healthy or happy. There's no hairstyle or waist size on earth that defines health or happiness.  

All these women were told at some point that they didn't have 'the perfect look'. They refused to change their appearance and remained perfectly them.

Big boobs often come under fire for being 'too big' and I've never understood what that means. Too big to be happy or beautiful or athletic or intelligent? I loathe seeing bodies being compared "Are small boobs better than big ones" or "Are skinny bodies better than curvy ones?" It's just so meaningless. It doesn't achieve anything to compare these things it only focuses us on the things that we aren't rather than celebrating the things that we are. When we compare ourselves to a mythical version of perfection we feel lessened. Less than perfect, less than right, just less. How is that helpful?

I wanted to shake the girl on the Skytrain who was berating her healthy, unique and beautiful breasts and say "Do you know how lucky you are? Do you know what it means to lose a breast, to live without a limb or to battle daily with physical pain? Be thankful you have the one perfection you could ever wish for; a body in perfect working order." I know this sounds like old lady preaching but it's so true. We waste so much time worrying about the things we aren't and this means we miss out on enjoying being us, being happy and being now.

This subject was particularly important to me this weekend because Remembrance Sunday is a time I remember friends I have lost both in and out of the military and the bottom line is... life's too short to worry about your size or shape. So let's stop waiting for the perfect backside or perfect boobs and get on with living our lives with joy in the perfectly wonderful and diverse bodies we have. xx

Breast Bullying

October is anti-bullying month and this is a subject close to my heart (my post back in February on Pink Shirt Day struck a chord with many of you). Many of my customers have experienced bullying over their breast size at some point during their life. You may think that this is mostly kids teasing each other during puberty (which of course is rife) however, breast bullying happens in many more places, most dangerously, and sadly, within the family.

Bullying is an invidious weapon that hurts the victim from within. The effects can be experienced for years and affect how you feel about yourself long into adulthood. I think we have an opportunity to change decades of ignorance and bullying so that future generations of girls can grow up without the weight of breast-shame to deal with.

Bullying within the Family
You may be surprised to know that this is the most common form of bullying my clients tell me about. Many are singled out for being the most busty sister or daughter and made to feel that they are somehow 'wrong' in their physique. Perhaps much of this taunting stems from jealousy or insecurity with their own shape (it's much easier to bring other people down than to raise them and yourself up).

Perpetual breast taunting and shaming establishes doubt about the validity of your body and makes young women question if they have done something wrong. This can lead to seeking validation about your body and worth for a long time. A supportive and enlightened family can save a busty teen from years of searching for self-esteem and body acceptance.

Ignoring developing breasts and covering daughters in layers of baggy clothing to hide their figures also contributes to a sense of breast-shame. This passive bullying is to try and force girls into a certain 'mold' that women ought to be. Breasts are still incorrectly linked to morality so many parents think that by making their daughters look as though they don't have breasts it will somehow 'save' them from moral peril. This simply doesn't work. You can teach body-confidence and morality at the same time.

Bullying from the Media
It's well disguised but there is no doubt that women are bullied into feeling they 'should' be something in order to be acceptable. We are bombarded with images and words that narrow the size, shape, colour, height and weight we should be. From the tiny selection of magazine covers below you can see the imbued guilt and shame woven into mass media.

"How Smart Women Lose Weight" because we all know that most of us are just too stupid to be thin. "Fight Flab & Win" because only losers are fat. "My Body After Baby" because let's face it, creating the miracle of life is nothing compared to looking great in a bikini.

Having a great internal compass that says "this is just one way that women can look, there are millions of other ways" allows us to see these women as beautiful but not the only valuable women in our world.

New strategies are coming into effect to stop the runaway train of media weight-dogma. The UK seems to be leading the way with groups like the All Party Parliamentary Group on Body Image who were part of the first Body Confidence Awards recognizing advertisers, authors, websites, individuals and organizations promoting confidence in children and adults. I don't think that governments ought to be left to determine confidence, but we certainly need some consequences for companies who blatantly prey on our insecurities to keep us in a fear-based-buying-cycle.

Internet Bullying
A couple of weeks ago our community here in Greater Vancouver was rocked by the suicide of a young girl after years of relentless bullying via the Internet, phone and in person. A tragic litany of events included a barrage of abuse about the girl's breasts. The complexities of digital communication, young women, breasts and society is a topic for a whole other blog, but this journalist's piece is thought-provoking. We need to start arming our young girls and adults with the education and language to understand their own bodies and to be supportive and accepting of other women's bodies before they start looking for validation and acceptance in a faceless place.

As you've probably figured out by now I think words are powerful and even though they can inflict such dreadful wounds they are also a busty girl's best defense and liberation to live happily and confidently in her beautiful body. By giving the women and girls in your life words of encouragement as well as arming them with the vocabulary to love their own bodies, we can change how future generations of women treat themselves and other women. xx

Self Confidence Sites
http://loveyourbody.nowfoundation.org/
http://www.2dayswoman.com/health/body-image-part-improve-body-confidence
http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/

Body Confidence Sites
http://www.stylehasnosize.com
http://www.bodypositive.ca/Home/tabid/121/Default.aspx


Anti-Bullying Sites
http://www.antibullying.net/
http://www.stopabully.ca/

What Makes Boobs Real or Fake?

When you're a busty woman you become the target of mindless (and completely unoriginal) comments about your bust. Some strangers, and sometimes friends and family, feel within their rights to whistle, ogle, insult or ridicule your boobs. Developing a thick skin, and ultimately learning to be immensely glad you're not one of these idiotic and sad individuals, gives you the tools to deal with boob-ignorance. One of the most common unwarranted comments thrown at busty women is "fake!" and it's always seemed like such a strange insult to make.

We all know that people are referring to breast implants as fake boobs but the word 'fake' suggests that there's something less relevant, less true about the woman who has implants and this is what really aggravates me because all the women I know with breast implants are incredible and brave women. I personally know several women who have had breast implants and these are the reasons they chose to have breast augmentation:

1) Reconstructed breast/s after single and double mastectomy
2) Evening out size after significant infection and tissue loss in one breast
3) Complete deflation from an F cup to AA after 3 pregnancies
4) One breast significantly larger than the other
5) Did not feel that her A cup breasts were proportionate with her frame, increased to a C cup

These women range in age from 25 to 63 and have all felt happier and more whole after their surgery. I know the journeys these women faced before their surgery and I can tell you that there is nothing fake about the struggles they endured or the bravery of their decision to undergo surgery or the authenticity of their confidence and peace after having their surgery.

It's a complete misnomer that most women who have breast augmentation do so for extroverted, 'porn-star' reasons. The reason breast implants have got this reputation is that we see the extreme cases of breast-augmentation on reality shows, in the news and on tabloid covers. I don't suppose a reality show about '32 year old, insurance broker, Mom of two goes about her busy day with 32C implants' would have the level of gratuity viewers are used to!

Most women who elect to have breast implants do so for deeply personal and emotional reasons. They are women from all walks of life who do not feel entirely in sync with their body and choose to have a procedure that makes them feel better about themselves. I have a hard time seeing this courageous and individual decision as a busty slur you throw at someone walking down the street. Attaching negativity to breast implants is just as ludicrous as attaching negativity to D+ breasts.

I believe that EVERY woman deserves to be treated with respect regardless of her bust size; Boobs do NOT dictate your personality, kindness, morality etc. When it comes to bra shopping there may be some specific fitting requirements for augmented breasts that don't necessarily apply to unaltered breasts so don't be afraid to tell your fitter about your surgery. It should make no difference to your fitter if you have augmented breasts because you are real, your breasts are really yours and you really do need a bra! xx

Are Women Taught to Criticize Other Women?

The Internet can be a fabulous place for women to find other like-minded and like-shaped women with whom they can share their thoughts and experiences. It can also be a place where women tear each other to shreds because of their weight/shape/style etc. This woman-to-woman criticism is nothing new but that doesn't mean it's something we should tolerate.

The Lingerie Addict Has Implemented a Body Snark Free Policy that encourages people to be constructive not destructive in their comments.

Lots of my fellow lingerie bloggers have experienced someone leaving catty, unkind or downright hurtful comments about another woman's shape/style/weight. Many, like me, operate a zero tolerance policy where if you make a vile comment about someone else, you're banned. I don't see this as censorship, I see it as good manners (but then again I'm English so it's all about the manners). I think there is a big difference between stating an opinion and being derogatory. For example, a recent debate about breast enhancement garnered the opinion from one reader "breast enlargement would never be right for me" that's quite different from the brainless (and frankly pointless) comment "all women with implants are bimbos" from one massively unhelpful woman.

In context these images are legitimate responses to excessive Photoshop, Pro-Ana sites and over sexualization of large breasts.

Does Social Media Pit Women Against One-Another?
I think there is an inherent flaw in social media that reduces life to black and white statements with little or no context. For example, there was a flurry of images with the slogan "Real Women Have Curves" which was initially a backlash to the disproportionate number of 'heroin-chic' images that were prolific in the late 90s (a look that was compounded for its dangerous implications when Kate Moss neglectfully said "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"). Very quickly there was a backlash to the 'Real Women' images saying 'All Women Are Real'.

This Vera Wang bridesmaid dress model has been severely photoshopped on the left. I don't consider this a 'Real Woman' this is a 'thinspirational' marketing tactic.

I don't think either of these statements can be taken without context. The Real Women have Curves wasn't originally a stab at thin women it was a response to curvy women being entirely ignored by the media. In recent times it has appeared again in response to the very unnaturally over-Photoshopped women we are exposed to in magazines. You don't get either of these contexts when you reduce the sentiment to one line. Women become isolated images or statements without complexity and context. It's up to the viewer to apply some commonsense and balance, something not everyone is capable of evidently so you end up with people who think it's perfectly OK to judge and slam someone based on their appearance.

This is as close as Social Media gets to dividing men!

I find it really interesting that we don't see endless montages full of muscle-bound men reading "Real Men Have Muscles" followed by another wave of montages full of skinny guys that say "All Men Are Real". It makes you wonder whether there's a divide and conquer attitude that keeps women in a permanent state of insecurity, chasing an impossible perfection.

Women are regularly pitted against each other in the media, almost for sport. Just think about 'The Real Housewives of...' series and you know what I mean. We aren't exposed to a whole lot of women supporting women regardless of their shape and size but we regularly see women trying to outdo each other in beauty or getting the man or winning the argument. If we're too busy slagging off someone else about their shape then we won't rise up and demand that the media portrays us with more dignity and diversity.

As busty women we are all too familiar with people stereotyping us based on the size of our breasts but we have a choice; either we can allow ourselves to be defined and feel bad about our bodies based on the ignorant and insecure comments of others, or we can choose to define ourselves and pity the people who have nothing better to do. xx