Taking Time to Overcome Letter Phobia

I can measure almost anyone for a bra and tell them technically what bra sizes and styles they should wear to get a text book healthy fit. The reality is that the technical aspect of fitting means nothing if someone is not mentally ready for a new bra size, especially if the thought of a cup letter over a D makes them recoil.

I've written before about Letter Phobia (here and here) and how it's a very real block that keeps women from even trying on a bra in a size that distresses/worries/upsets them.

I have some clients who spent years in bras that made them uncomfortable, unhappy and self conscious but then finally took the courageous step of facing their letter phobia. I say courageous because letter phobia is the result of layers of dialogue that tell us boobs are wrong, big boobs only translate to sex, cup sizes over a D are for exhibitionists, big boobs and intelligence don't co-exist etc. It's brave to take a step out of that quagmire of ignorance that gets heaped on women from commercials, movies, ads, TV, blog comment sections (AKA the Devil's diary, whichever you prefer) and trust that you could find empowerment on the other side.

A recently new client told me this week that she was disgusted the first time she saw our website because we were trying to normalize big boobs and that went against everything she had learned at home, through her social groups and through the media. Over a period of three years she had read my blog posts and started to wonder whether she was being kept in a cycle of shame about her body and breasts without really knowing it. In September she purchased her first bra in a cup letter that would have been unthinkable to her just a year earlier. This week she wanted to let me know that the difference in her health, posture and self-worth has transformed in just 2 short months. So much so that she has made a verbal promise to her daughter that she will always give her physical and emotional access to bras that fit her.

When you work so much by yourself it's hard to know sometimes if you're making a difference so this woman's story meant an awful lot to me. I would love to think that fewer women of future generations will have to wade through the emotional mud before they feel empowered and deserving enough of a well-fitting bra. It's not just about getting the best bra fit, it's about freeing up the mental capacity of a remarkable gender to apply their time to something other than ensuring their bodies conform to an arbitrary social preference.

Getting over letter phobia does not happen over night but it can happen and the results can be so much more than just getting the right bra. Be kind to those women you know who are afraid to try a cup letter over a D and be there with helpful resources when they're ready to face their letter phobia.xx

Fathers, Daughters and Bras

It was Father's Day yesterday and millions of us were fortunate to have a father figure who we could celebrate. My own Dad is a phenomenal human being. Being the only male in our house he dealt very well with the constant round of bras on the radiators, PMS rotation and ever shortening hemlines! I'm very lucky that he never made me feel there were limits or expectations to my life because I was female. Instead he supported my dreams to travel and most especially to start a business that I truly believed in. He's a huge influence on why I started and how I run Butterfly Collection and now he's probably one of the most bra savvy 65 year olds on the planet!

I have this incredible male influence in my life and yet I have to admit that I sometimes feel rather hopeless in my goal of giving busty women the confidence to defy breast stereotypes and sexism. There is such a frightening swathe of men (and sadly other women) who show no respect or humanity for women and I often wonder if we can make a difference and end the cycles of body-shaming and gender stereotyping. And then I remember a phone conversation I had with a father of a busty teen and I know that there is a vast amount of good and change out there.

The conversation was with a father whose 14 year old daughter was developing quickly. He explained to me that his wife had died of ovarian cancer six years previously and he needed help to help his daughter begin her bra journey. He told me that he had two sisters who both had complex body issues that stemmed from their father and he didn't want that for his daughter. He had researched bras and body confidence in teens which led him to this blog and our store. His primary concern was that his daughter had a resource she felt comfortable with to find bras and understand her fit. A Dad wanting bra fit education for his daughter. That's a good man. We came up with a series of options for his daughter and she chose which one she wanted to pursue. Two years later she emails me every time her size or shape changes and understands what good bra fit looks and feels like on her body. That's a gift her father gave her that will stay with her forever.

I don't know if we'll ever eradicate stereotypes and sexism around breasts but I know there are kind fathers out there who are ending the cycle of body shame in their family and that is immeasurable change for good. xx

Which Sports Bra Should Full Bust Women Wear?

Sports bras are so much more than just well engineered bras that absorb impact, they are the mental and physical freedom to have a choice whether you want to participate in sports and activities that can lead to friendships, careers, improved health and well-being. A saddening number of girls stop playing sports or being generally active because they don't have adequate breast support. It's simply wrong that millions of girls and women miss out on the physical and emotional benefits of being active for the sake of a well-fitting sports bra. Things have changed a great deal in the last decade and we can ensure that fewer girls feel forced out of sports simply over the size of their chests and that grown women can take back control over their physical activities in a supportive sports bra.

Dove's billboard makes you wonder how many girls we could keep in sports with the right physical & emotional support

Why Do We Need Sports Bras?
We need sports bras because breasts don't have any muscle in them; they are held in place by two things, ligaments and skin. The ligaments (technical name Coopers Ligaments) stretch and contract to accommodate your movements. Your skin also stretches to allow for the force and impact of your movements. Unlike muscles, there is little you can do to alter your ligament and skin elasticity and strength, so the only thing you can do is add another layer of shock absorption that can take the impact strain your ligaments and skin alone couldn't handle.

Left, Simona Halep is categorically in the wrong sports bra and ultimately she resorted to a breast reduction. Serena Williams' bra shows the coverage and support a well-fitting sports bra can give.

When you work out your boobs are moving more often and greater distances than when you're doing everyday activities. During this time you need to protect your ligaments and skin from getting over-stretched as this can be very painful. To minimize the stretch factor you need to wear a sports bra that is designed to absorb the impact of your activity.

The Two Types of Sports Bra
There are two types of sports bras; Encapsultation and Compression. There is no right or wrong for which one you should wear, however, you should know how they differ to understand which one is right for you and the activity you're doing.

Panache Sports Bra is an encapsultation bra as it has distinct cups and comes in regular bra sizes

Encapsultation Bras have two distinct cups just like a regular bra so that each breast is housed in its own cup. Unlike regular bras the cups are likely to be thicker, longer (cup higher up your body) and have another layer of fabric wrapped around the outside of the cups that disperses impact away from the breast and around the whole upper body instead. These kind of bras keep the breasts as still as possible inside the cups without putting excess pressure on the breast itself. This kind of sports bra is also ideal for very busy days as it can be worn for long periods of time. Some of our customers use this bra for cycling, jogging, rowing, working out at the gym and playing soccer. Our clients who participate in triathlons and ironman competitions tend to use the compression style as some of the activities are maximum impact and they need virtually zero movement in their chest.

Enell Compression bras use sturdy fabric with shock absorbent elastic weave in the back to disperse the impact of movement across your whole upper torso

Compression Bras don't have distinct cups and instead reduce the bounce not with thickness of cup but by keeping the breasts very close to the body (this also means that the breasts are often touching). They do this by dispersing the volume of your bust across your whole upper body (this can be known as the monoboob look). Compression bras for large breasts tend to come very high on your chest as the breast tissue is being flattened over a larger surface area than an encapsulation bra. This kind of support significantly reduces the impact of being active as the vertical movement of your breasts (caused when jumping up and down) is greatly reduced. I use a compression sports bra for running because it makes my 32GG bust have almost zero movement. The downside to a compression bra is that you shouldn't wear it for prolonged periods of time ( a couple of hours wear is ideal) because the fatty cells inside your breasts are under pressure and excessive pressure for long periods can aggravate your breasts (rashes, infection, bruising). Plus sweat gets trapped between your breasts which can cause chafing for some women over long periods of time.

The Lite from Enell is designed to be more flexible, more lightweight and can be worn for longer periods

Enell also created a Lite version of their compression sports bra which is less supportive for high impact, however, it can be worn for longer periods of time and is also excellent for activities that require more flexibility. I wear the Lite for Yoga because it has no clasp on the back so I can roll on my spine without poking myself. 

Sports Bra Sizes
Encapsulation sports bras are sized like regular bras and manufacturers like Panache have 28 back sports bras up to a UK H cup (the same as a US J cup). At the moment there still aren't enough Sports Bra options for women over an H cup. Some manufacturers (like Royce) have some wirefree styles but I hope very much that we'll see an increase in the availability of sports bras in HH, J, JJ and K cups.

Compression sports bras don't have regular bra sizes (like 32FF, or 38H) because they don't have cups. Instead they are sized either as small, medium, large, or in the case of Enell (one of the biggest compression sports bra manufacturers) they use 00, 0, 1, 2, 3, 4 etc to denote their sizes. Again, there aren't compression bras on the market for every woman (if you're a 28J it's incredibly difficult to find a sports bra). The most common solution I know some of our customers use it to purchase a cup size that works and have the band altered to fit them. I hope we see sports bras available for every woman very soon.

If you are a busty woman working out in a regular bra then it's akin to going to running in your highest heels. You wouldn't do that because you'd wreck your feet and you shouldn't do it to your breasts because you'll cause yourself pain, chafing and general injury. If you are the parent of a busty teen I urge you to seriously consider investing in a supportive and well fitting sports bra for your daughter so that she has the physical confidence to continue participating in activities that can keep her healthy and happy her whole life. xx

The Price for Chasing Perfection

"I wish I had her boobs; they're so perfect and my boobs are so big and ugly." This is part of a conversation I heard between two young women (late teens early 20s) as they thumbed through a magazine. My heart sank at this statement because it felt like such a waste. This young woman, like millions of others, will spend a good portion of her life chasing a perfection that doesn't exist and the price will be missing out on the beauty and brilliance of her body today. That feels like a waste.

There's no one definition of perfect which makes it even more illusive; how will you know when you have the perfect body, hair, boobs, skin, wardrobe, home, job etc? The commonly held idea that the perfect body looks a certain way doesn't account for whether that body is healthy or happy. There's no hairstyle or waist size on earth that defines health or happiness.  

All these women were told at some point that they didn't have 'the perfect look'. They refused to change their appearance and remained perfectly them.

Big boobs often come under fire for being 'too big' and I've never understood what that means. Too big to be happy or beautiful or athletic or intelligent? I loathe seeing bodies being compared "Are small boobs better than big ones" or "Are skinny bodies better than curvy ones?" It's just so meaningless. It doesn't achieve anything to compare these things it only focuses us on the things that we aren't rather than celebrating the things that we are. When we compare ourselves to a mythical version of perfection we feel lessened. Less than perfect, less than right, just less. How is that helpful?

I wanted to shake the girl on the Skytrain who was berating her healthy, unique and beautiful breasts and say "Do you know how lucky you are? Do you know what it means to lose a breast, to live without a limb or to battle daily with physical pain? Be thankful you have the one perfection you could ever wish for; a body in perfect working order." I know this sounds like old lady preaching but it's so true. We waste so much time worrying about the things we aren't and this means we miss out on enjoying being us, being happy and being now.

This subject was particularly important to me this weekend because Remembrance Sunday is a time I remember friends I have lost both in and out of the military and the bottom line is... life's too short to worry about your size or shape. So let's stop waiting for the perfect backside or perfect boobs and get on with living our lives with joy in the perfectly wonderful and diverse bodies we have. xx

Breast Bullying

October is anti-bullying month and this is a subject close to my heart (my post back in February on Pink Shirt Day struck a chord with many of you). Many of my customers have experienced bullying over their breast size at some point during their life. You may think that this is mostly kids teasing each other during puberty (which of course is rife) however, breast bullying happens in many more places, most dangerously, and sadly, within the family.

Bullying is an invidious weapon that hurts the victim from within. The effects can be experienced for years and affect how you feel about yourself long into adulthood. I think we have an opportunity to change decades of ignorance and bullying so that future generations of girls can grow up without the weight of breast-shame to deal with.

Bullying within the Family
You may be surprised to know that this is the most common form of bullying my clients tell me about. Many are singled out for being the most busty sister or daughter and made to feel that they are somehow 'wrong' in their physique. Perhaps much of this taunting stems from jealousy or insecurity with their own shape (it's much easier to bring other people down than to raise them and yourself up).

Perpetual breast taunting and shaming establishes doubt about the validity of your body and makes young women question if they have done something wrong. This can lead to seeking validation about your body and worth for a long time. A supportive and enlightened family can save a busty teen from years of searching for self-esteem and body acceptance.

Ignoring developing breasts and covering daughters in layers of baggy clothing to hide their figures also contributes to a sense of breast-shame. This passive bullying is to try and force girls into a certain 'mold' that women ought to be. Breasts are still incorrectly linked to morality so many parents think that by making their daughters look as though they don't have breasts it will somehow 'save' them from moral peril. This simply doesn't work. You can teach body-confidence and morality at the same time.

Bullying from the Media
It's well disguised but there is no doubt that women are bullied into feeling they 'should' be something in order to be acceptable. We are bombarded with images and words that narrow the size, shape, colour, height and weight we should be. From the tiny selection of magazine covers below you can see the imbued guilt and shame woven into mass media.

"How Smart Women Lose Weight" because we all know that most of us are just too stupid to be thin. "Fight Flab & Win" because only losers are fat. "My Body After Baby" because let's face it, creating the miracle of life is nothing compared to looking great in a bikini.

Having a great internal compass that says "this is just one way that women can look, there are millions of other ways" allows us to see these women as beautiful but not the only valuable women in our world.

New strategies are coming into effect to stop the runaway train of media weight-dogma. The UK seems to be leading the way with groups like the All Party Parliamentary Group on Body Image who were part of the first Body Confidence Awards recognizing advertisers, authors, websites, individuals and organizations promoting confidence in children and adults. I don't think that governments ought to be left to determine confidence, but we certainly need some consequences for companies who blatantly prey on our insecurities to keep us in a fear-based-buying-cycle.

Internet Bullying
A couple of weeks ago our community here in Greater Vancouver was rocked by the suicide of a young girl after years of relentless bullying via the Internet, phone and in person. A tragic litany of events included a barrage of abuse about the girl's breasts. The complexities of digital communication, young women, breasts and society is a topic for a whole other blog, but this journalist's piece is thought-provoking. We need to start arming our young girls and adults with the education and language to understand their own bodies and to be supportive and accepting of other women's bodies before they start looking for validation and acceptance in a faceless place.

As you've probably figured out by now I think words are powerful and even though they can inflict such dreadful wounds they are also a busty girl's best defense and liberation to live happily and confidently in her beautiful body. By giving the women and girls in your life words of encouragement as well as arming them with the vocabulary to love their own bodies, we can change how future generations of women treat themselves and other women. xx

Self Confidence Sites
http://loveyourbody.nowfoundation.org/
http://www.2dayswoman.com/health/body-image-part-improve-body-confidence
http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/

Body Confidence Sites
http://www.stylehasnosize.com
http://www.bodypositive.ca/Home/tabid/121/Default.aspx


Anti-Bullying Sites
http://www.antibullying.net/
http://www.stopabully.ca/

The Shame of Big Boobs: Claudia's Story

The contents of this blog post are from an email I received from a woman who wanted to share her story of life in big boobs. I am always so touched when women get in touch to say that they want to help other women come to terms with and feel proud of their boobs. If Claudia's story reaches just one woman feeling ashamed of her breasts and helps her feel like she's not alone then it's a wonderful gift. My personal thanks to Claudia xx

Claudia's Story 
My name is Claudia, I’m a 25-year-old Italian girl and my adventure in bra-fitting began six months ago. When I came across your site by chance, I instantly fell in love. The passion you put in what do you is palpable in every word. I felt the urge to share my story with you and your readers because maybe it can help other women who are experiencing what I went through until not too long ago.

After years of being stuck in the wrong size and loathing for my boobs I ultimately decided to get a breast reduction. Since then, my life has changed. I now share your understanding of how important a good fitting is for women with big boobs.

A Child in a Grown-up Body
Ever since I hit puberty, I’ve had big boobs. They developed so fast that at the age of 11 I needed to buy my first bra. I was still a child, even though my body had suddenly decided to change and move into woman territory. I was shocked, I was ashamed, my boobs were my enemies, because I was the only one among my friends and classmates with “those things” and, mostly, I wasn’t ready for the strange stares that started coming my way, often from men the age of my dad and often followed by rude, offensive comments. I would have done everything to hide that unwanted presence that kept growing on my chest.

At the age of 20 my breasts stopped their development and I ended up with what I used to call “my ginormous, ugly boobs”, which were a nightmare to dress, carry around, live with, and totally disproportionate compared to my otherwise petite body. Men kept ogling at them whenever I went, I even received inappropriate looks/comments from other women, sports were a problem, the idea of going to the beach almost made me cry and jeez, they were heavy! Bra shopping? A living hell, a dreadful, humiliating, frustrating experience.

The Nightmare of Bra Shopping
When I bought my first bra, and up until relatively recently, every store only had sizes that went from 1 to 4, sometimes 5. These numbers are the old-fashioned Italian bra sizing system, 1 means “very small breasts AND ribcage measurement”, size 5 means “OMG you’re boobs are huge and so must be your band size”, and everything in between. If you wanted something bigger than size 5, you had to visit a specialized store, where the styles were for your grandmother, cost a fortune, and big cups were only on big bands. A few years ago the number/letter system reached Italy, but even now only a couple of brands offer a decent range of sizes. For the record, they don’t fit me and I must shop online.

I knew big cup/big band bras clearly weren’t a good fit – they didn’t stay in place, offered no support and uplift, my boobs spilled over the top and the sides, wires poked here and there, straps dug into my shoulders – but I kept buying and wearing them because they were the only pretty bras I could find. I can’t even begin to count how many saleswomen have looked at me like I was some kind of alien, with either a pitying or a you’re-so-damn-lucky expression. I definitely didn’t think of myself as lucky, I envied the small-busted girls who could find tons of lovely bras and didn’t have to hide their boobs, but I totally understood the pitying stares. If you live in a world where big boob stereotypes are everywhere and you can’t find bras, swimwear and clothes that are good for you, self-loathing and shame are an easy mistake. And when “bra fitting” is a meaningless concept, no one teaches you that it’s not your fault if manufacturers are ignorant, that a 32-38 A-D range is extremely limited, that the “plus 4” method is wrong… well, being stuck in the wrong size for years is even easier.

The Consequences of Bad Bras
I spent more than 10 years of my life blaming myself and my curves, torturing my boobs with horrendously ill-fitting bras and thinking there was something wrong with me. The consequences, of course, didn’t only affect me emotionally; wearing bras that were too big in the band and too small in the cups also had a major impact on my posture, breast tissue (aka migration) and health, the lack of proper support leading to severe neck, shoulder and back pain.

Two years ago I decided I’d had enough, and finally found the courage to have the reduction I’d been dreaming of for a long time. To make it short: surgery went well, my boobs were still big but proportional to my body and I was extremely pleased with the result. Do I regret it now? More on this later.

Being at Peace with my Boobs
So… I didn’t hate my boobs anymore (I loved them, actually), but unfortunately I kept wearing the wrong size for the same reasons as before. Things changed six months ago, when for the first time I considered the option of online shopping; deep inside of me I knew there had to be pretty, not too expensive bras for big-busted women. I Googled a few keywords and… discovered a whole new world. I learned how sizing works; that you don’t have to add inches to your underbust measurement to determine your band size; that DD+ cups really exist and no, it’s nothing scary; that yes, I can find pretty and sexy bras in my size; how to tell if a bra is a good fit or not. All this, and much more.

I will NEVER forget the feeling of wearing a well-fitting bra for the first time. So supportive and comfortable! And what an amazing silhouette! I looked thinner because my boobs were where they are supposed to be and not near my navel, I could lift my arms up and bend over without worry because they were perfectly encased in the cups. No more back rolls, no more discomfort, no more quadraboob. My posture? I couldn’t believe the difference.

Back to my breast reduction… I don’t regret it. I decided to have surgery for many reasons and one of them is that in spite of everything I didn’t like my boobs, aesthetically speaking. I’m happier now, I think they better suit my body. But all that self-loathing, the frustration, having to deal with constant pain? Ah, if only I had well-fitting bras back then, if only proper bra fitting was common knowledge! I would have chosen to have a reduction nevertheless, but I’m sure my journey toward self-confidence and acceptance of my curves would have been easier. And this is the point I’m trying to make with my overly long story. Wearing the right bra has been a total life changer for me and I took the matter to heart; I keep reading as much as I can on bra fitting, I try to educate women, and I have a dream: a world where no woman is ashamed of her boobs because of stupid myths and thinks she’s a freak just because she needs bras in sizes that aren’t always available due to manufacturer’s ignorance. Not all body image issues would be magically resolved, of course, because self-confidence is a complex thing. But it would be an important achievement nonetheless.

Shopping and Happiness for Busty Teens

Last week we looked at the role of family members in supporting their teen girls about bras and breasts. Thank you to everyone who got in touch to say that the piece struck a chord with their own experiences.

Top Five Things Busty Women Wished They'd Known as Teens
I asked our lovely readers on Facebook and Twitter what they wish they'd known about bras when they were growing up. Here are the top 5 things that came up:

1) How to figure out my size
2) That bras don't stop at a D cup
3) The right size bra doesn't hurt
4) Your bra size changes throughout your life
5) Not to be ashamed of being busty

In this conclusion to the Guide for Parents of Busty Daughters I want to share some practical tips about shopping for bras with your daughter and preparing her for a life with big boobs.

First Bra Shopping Trip
Lots of girls won't realize that they need a bra and so it's important that parents are paying attention to the physical changes in their daughters and don't shy away from the subject just because they can't believe they're growing up - ignoring it won't make it any less true.

Buying bras will possibly be part of her life forever so her first bra shopping trip is a rite of passage. Use this significant event to bond over the 'occasion' of your daughter growing up. Make time for the trip, don't throw a Wal-mart training bra in the cart while picking up groceries. Giving your daughter a sense that her breasts are worth taking care of properly (not as an after thought) will set the tone for her bra shopping attitude.

Viva is a great option for school as it's supportive, pretty and discreet

Age Appropriate Bras
Unless your daughter has a very sudden growth spurt it's unlikely that her very first bra will be a D-K cup. However, don't underestimate how quickly your daughter's bust can change. Many teens need 28-30 backs with D+ cups. I know these are harder to find (which is why I set up Butterfly Collection in the first place) but teaching your daughter that finding the right fit is worthwhile is a great gift. Keeping your daughter in great fitting bras through her breast development will also improve her health and self-esteem.

Bras for teens is different from lingerie for women, in my opinion. Buying sexy, fun and exotic underwear is something wonderful for adult women, however, 11, 12, 13 etc is a time you should still be able to be a kid and have the right support so that you can be active and confident. Here are some tips about age appropriate bras.

Lucy from Cleo is a wonderfully supportive bra that is fun and teen appropriate

Colour/Pattern - For school it's important to have something that is supportive and discreet so basic colours like black, skin-toned (this can be tough to find for all skin-tones but things are changing) and white are useful. Being young doesn't mean your underwear can't be fun. Fun is different from sexy. It breaks my heart to see 12 year olds in leopard print plunge bras because you have so much time as an adult to consider your sexual side, but you have so little time to just be a kid. I think Cleo has some great age appropriate bras in bright colours, fun pattern and mostly importantly, good support.

Stretch lace panels like this one on Faye from Freya allows for some size fluctuation as your daughter develops

Shape - When your body is changing you need as much support as you can get. To make your dollar go further look for bras with a quantity of stretch lace in the cup. This will give your daughter some growing room. Three part bras (bras where the cups are made of three pieces of material rather than one) are good for increased support.

A good sports bra, like this one from Enell can keep your daughter participating in sports. A great investment in her health.

Sports - EVERY girl should have a sports bra. I know these can be a little more expensive but you are investing in the longevity of her health and that's worth it. Ensuring that your daughter has the right support to participate in sport is vital for a healthy body, mind and relationship with her breasts.

Preparing Your Daughter for Being a Busty Girl
Whether you were a busty teen or not you probably have memories of kids teasing you. Busty women remember being teased or leered after by boys and being called names and teased by smaller busted girls. Being busty can make you feel like an outsider. Giving your daughter the right bras will eliminate the physical discomfort many busty teens experience but you also need to give her the emotional tools to deal with the other stuff.

I asked my Mum how she prepared for having busty daughters (with her own award-winning bust it was highly likely that my sister or I - or both - would have a larger bust). She said "You can't stop other people being idiots, you can only prepare your daughter to know how to spot one." This is the key. Your daughter needs to know that if other people feel the need to comment on her bust then that's their problem and not hers.

Self-Esteem
This is one of the most important things I write about. If you feel happy, confident and worthy then it really doesn't matter what anyone thinks of your shape. Self-esteem is the bedrock of allowing your daughter to concentrate on being her rather than searching for a manufactured way to fit in. If she's busty the chances are she'll always be busty so the sooner she comes to love her body, the longer she'll be happy.

One of our readers once commented "I am proud to be me because of and despite of my bust." I love this comment because it sums up great self-esteem. You don't have to hide your bust and you don't have to be defined by it. Helping your daughter to love the uniqueness and beauty of her body alongside the fabulousness of her actions, thoughts and talents is the key to balance.

I hope these two blog posts have given you some ideas for making life easier and happier for your busty teens. Boobs are a life-long journey and as with all things, if you get a good start the journey is so much easier. xx

A Guide for Parents of Busty Daughters

Many of the women I come into contact with talk about how there was little or no dialogue around breasts when they were growing up. Thousands, if not millions, of women in North America are left to figure out their breasts and bra fit over decades. This time can be fraught with doubt, self-criticism and both physical and emotional pain that could have been prevented with early bra education and support. The emotional and physical changes involved in developing breasts can be a daunting experience made much easier by an informed and supportive family.

The World Your Daughter Lives In
The reality of our world today is that we are exposed to more body commentary than ever before. Here is a pretty staggering statistic:

"By the time they're 17, girls have seen 250,000 TV commercials telling them they should be a decorative object, sex object or a body size they can never achieve."

When we live in a world where you daughter is being bombarded with other people's ideas of how she should look it's even more important to instill a confidence that will allow her to be herself and be happy. I really like this resource pack for parents to start talking about body image, women in commercials, dieting and Photoshop.  

Why is it important to have a dialogue around breasts with your daughter?
It's not an overstatement to say that your early experiences around bras and breasts form a significant part of the foundation of your adult relationship with your body. Giving your daughter the language and tools to understand and support herself (physically and emotionally) can have a positive effect on her self-esteem, confidence, health and happiness.

Understand Your Own Bra History
Before you can help your daughter through her developing years, it's important to know your own bra history.

Busty Moms - If you were a busty teen and/or are a busty adult then you have some empathy about what your daughter is experiencing. It's worth writing a list of things that you remember being hard (sports, teasing, shopping etc) to give you a frame reference for the challenges your daughter might face.

If you were fortunate enough to have a parent who understood the importance of a well-fitting bra then you will have a good idea of what that meant to you. For most women there wasn't a lot of conversation around bras and breasts (it may even have been a subject shrouded in shame or embarrassment). You will know how this made you feel - you have the chance to change this cycle of shame for your daughter.

Smaller Busted Moms - You may not have been a busty teen (or a busty adult) but you have a daughter who is developing larger breasts. This can be daunting for some Moms because they don't have experience in dealing with larger breasts.

The first thing to remember is that your daughter's development is completely normal. Girls are developing breasts earlier and larger (for reasons including increased calcium in our diets, hormone changes in the food chain, increased use of the contraceptive pill).

There are many experiences you can share with your daughter no matter how big your breasts are and these create the bond of womanhood between the two of you. Here's one pearl of wisdom from my own Mum that let me know I was now a woman and part of an exclusive club:

"Women have to go through a lot so we should always have great bras and shoes to support us on the journey."

Knowledge is the key to effective communication so it's worth getting to know busty resources and finding other women who can help you support your daughter (I'll explain this more in the next section.)

The Dove Self-Esteem Project Relies on Role Models

Moms, Dads, Aunts, Friends, Grandmothers Can All Be Role Models
The best way we learn how to be proud of our bodies is to see people we love and respect being role models. You don't have to be busty to be a role model.

Moms - I know this is a tough question to ask but are you positive about your own body? Regardless of what size or shape you are, your daughter is looking at you to learn how to feel about herself by seeing how you treat yourself. We all have bad hair days, bad wardrobe days, bad "why are my hips still growing" days, but it's important to have more "I have a great smile", "I love wearing my favourite colour, "I love being tall/petite/curvy/athletic" days. By being positive about you, learning to accept a compliment and celebrating more than just your physicality your daughter will learn to see herself as more than just a body.

In the bra department the first thing you can do to be a great role model is wear the correct bra size. No matter what size you are, wearing the correct bra size (and knowing what correct bra size means) gives your daughter a tangible example of what wearing the right bra looks like. If you don't know what correct bra fit is then I recommend these articles:

Your Boobs Tell You When You Need a New Bra
Not All D Cups Are The Same
Bra Myths
7 Ways To Tell If Your Bra Fits

Dads - You may think that bras and boobs are not your department, but you have a big role to play. You may not be able to advise on your favourite cup style but you can be instrumental in building your daughter's confidence. If you have a busty daughter the reality is  that in her life she's going to encounter some moronic males who will consider it their right to comment on her bust. From the leering, to disgusting to offensive comments your daughter will need to know that this is not how true gentlemen treat women. You can be the yardstick for how she'll let men treat her, so treat her with respect and celebration and she will build a layer of self-respect that the moronic comments bounce off.

She needs you to let her know that she can be proud of her figure but not defined by it. I know that the length of my skirts gave my father heart palpitations from time to time, but he never made me feel ashamed of my figure always complimenting me on how smart, or colourful, or beautiful I looked.

Encouraging good bra support can also keep girls in sports (a horrifying number of girls drop out of sports because they are ashamed of their bust). Too many women tell me that they enjoyed playing sports with their fathers until their bodies began to change and then Dad became embarrassed. You can literally improve your daughter's health and happiness by taking the need for great sports bras seriously. You can do this simply by encouragement, acknowledgement or paying! It's being part of the conversation that matters.

For some Dads they are the sole parent and all aspects of growing up fall to him. For those Dads who have lost their partner to breast cancer the subject of bras and breasts can be doubly difficult. Here are some resources for lone Dad's bringing up daughters:

National Fatherhood Initiative
Fathers Raising Daughters
About.com Article
Daddymoms

Wider Family and Friends - I love the African proverb "It takes a village to raise a child". We are always stronger together and this applies to bras and breasts. If there are other members of your family or close friends who have a good relationship with your daughter, ask them to support you in positive conversations around body image, bra support and body diversity. If you're not a particularly busty Mom but your best friend is then enlist her help to empathize with your daughter and give her some shopping, fit, health or confidence tips.

Communication is the key to instilling the confidence your daughter will need as a busty teen and adult. If you know you have your own hang-ups about bras and boobs then now is the time that you can start to address them so you don't perpetuate the cycle of bra misery and shame for your daughter. Replace the sadness and frustration with joy and freedom. Check back next week for the conclusion to this guide. As always I love to hear your feedback, stories and suggestions. xx

Bullying and Bras - What You Can Do

 

This Wednesday is Pink Shirt Day, an awareness day that raises awareness about bullying in schools, in the workplace, at home and on the Internet and more importantly, how to stop it. On Friday I attended the CKNW fund-raiser in aid of Pink Shirt Day (proceeds raised went to the Boys and Girls Clubs of Greater Vancouver) because I know what it's like to be bullied and especially as a busty teen.

One Amazing Parent Can Save You From Bullies
As an adult of course I know that my bullies were insecure girls lashing out but at the time it was very difficult. I was very fortunate that I had a fabulous Mum who knew how to buoy my spirits and stop me from believing the hurtful things being said about me. That was the key, keeping me from buying into the dreadful things being said about my body/hair/behaviour. In later life I found out she hoisted her own formidable bust round to the parents' homes and confronted them about their children's behaviour - she's a force to be reckoned with!

What Moms AND Dads Can Do
The role of parents in supporting girls who are being bullied is absolutely critical and it stems from not being a bully yourself. I know this sounds harsh but too many women have stories of being made to feel a freak by their own families. If you are a small-busted woman whose teenage daughter develops very quickly or substantially I understand that it is foreign territory. The best thing you can do is find someone who has the knowledge to get, and keep, your daughter in the right bras. A great fitter will know that you need to fit teenagers with sensitivity and education. By instilling a sense of confidence in a teen then her boobs belong to her and not the bullies or testosterone driven boys. As the father of a well-developed teen it is vital that you don't make her feel ashamed of her figure. Insist upon age appropriate clothing, of course, but there's a difference between dressing appropriately and being made to feel you have to hide your shape. Some men will always judge her for her shape, don't be the first one to do it. 

The Long-term Effects of Bullying
The lasting effects of being bullied about having large breasts can be a self-loathing or embarrassment about your body. I speak to women every single week who want to hide their boobs or make them appear much smaller. This is rarely a style thing and almost always stems from a lack of confidence in their appearance. It breaks my heart that they feel their body is 'wrong' or 'bad'. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being busty, it doesn't say anything about your personality, it's just genetics!

I know it doesn't help that Society equates large breasts with promiscuity or lack of intelligence. Through my 20s I was constantly battling the stereotype of blonde and big-boobed (my favourite was an editor at The Times newspaper saying "I mistook you for blonde but really you're a business woman.") But I do know that you can defy and stand against the stereotypes as long as you believe in who you are.

 

Investing in our Daughters and Ourselves
Last week I wrote a response to a blog where the author was berating her breasts for being too big as a teen, then too small in her 20s, then too uneven, then too deflated. She used the word hate several times and it just frustrated the life out of me that we're bullying our own bodies. One reader left the most beautiful response, she wrote:

"I hope that I can help my daughter, by buying her great bras that fit beautifully at all stages of her development, by talking to her about what it means to have breasts and be sexualized. By being and recognizing that I am an attractive and confident person, despite my breasts and because of them. It's a complicated relationship but a worthy one to get right."

In one sentence she summed up the key to 'breast happiness'. "I am an attractive and confident person, despite my breasts and because of them." Our breasts don't define our personalities but they're also nothing to be ashamed of. This is the message we need to instill in our daughters and in ourselves. It's never too late to shed the layer of skin that we allowed other people to define and see yourself in a whole new light.

I hope that if you or your child is being bullied you start talking about it to someone you trust. Bullies thrive on inaction. By exposing their behaviour they quickly have no where left to hide. Most of all I hope you don't allow a bully to define how you or your daughter feel about yourself xx

Why are Women Afraid to Break the D-Cup Barrier?

Ask a big busted woman wearing a comfortable, correctly fitting bra if she cares about her cup size and she'll probably laugh. When you have a bust that needs daily support being in the right size bra is essential. So why are so many women afraid to feel the joy of a correctly fitting bra simply because that bra has a cup size over a D?

The fear of being a D+ cup size stems from a lack of education around bras. We've been brought up to believe that A-D are the regulation bust sizes - anything above that is excessive, unnecessary and probably pornographic. This dogma is so ingrained in society that it's almost impossible to find D+ bras on the high street (Victoria's Secret, La Senza etc all stop at a DD). What does that say to you when you're a busty teenager trying to shop for your 30G boobs? "You're a freak, you don't fit in, you need to conform."

In an effort to keep the status quo but accommodate some of these unforeseen big busted gals, bra manufacturers began making DD then DDD bras. Now I don't know who thought having a bra size called triple D was easier than saying F cup but that guy was smoking something funky. Why was it such a problem to use the rest of the alphabet? The introduction of DD and DDD sizes came in the 1950s when boobs were still something to keep under lock and key. I can only assume that to call these oversized bazoomas E and F would have caused men to spontaneously combust so it was just safer to stay in the D-zone. Women have been brain-washed into thinking that big boobs are for wanton women and that stigma stays with us today.

I'm afraid some women are not helping in quashing this man-made stereotype either (the letter system was introduced by a man). The number of times women have commented how fake my boobs are to her husband in not so hushed tonesnever fails to amaze me. I was particularly saddened the other day when I read on a forum a 19 year old asking for help finding bras in a G cup. The comments ranged from catty to down right offensive and I can only assume that those women lack a great deal of self-confidence so have to bring others down.

It's time for us to reclaim the rest of the alphabet and recognize that cup letters are proportional to our body size. I think the photo below from Brittany at Thin and Curvy, shows that your band size has everything to do with proportionality.

Being proud of your body and knowing how to dress it well starts with wearing the right bra size. It is quite literally the foundation of your style and confidence. If you know you are languishing in a giant-banded D cup bra simply because you have D+ fear I invite you to call us and let us help you find your real size 1-888-225-0474 or use our Bra Size Calculator to find your best starting point. Living your life in the right bra is a liberating experience. xx

How do you Support Full-Busted Teenage Daughters?

My Mum and I have a long history of BooB chats!

I am contacted almost every week by concerned Moms whose teenage daughters have larger than average breasts. Their concerns are “how do I keep up with her changing size” “where can I find affordable, supportive bras” and “how do I emotionally support her through these body changes and other people’s reaction to her”.

Firstly, you’re a great Mom for taking an interest in the breast welfare of your daughter. I've talked before about how instrumental my Mum's bra approach was to strengthening my self-esteem. Developing communication and awareness with your daughter about breast health, self-esteem and bras has a lifelong benefit so thank you to every Mom who gets in touch with us.

A teen's self-consciousness can prevent her going to a professional bra fitter. If you have a good relationship with your daughter you can help measure her at home or teach her how to measure herself by giving her a demonstration on yourself. If you’re seen to be comfortable with your boobs and know how to measure yourself, it will give your daughter confidence. Our Bra Size Calculator is also a good tool for young girls as it walks them through how to measure.

During her growth period your daughter should measure herself, or be measured, every 3 to 6 months. This may seem like a lot but the changes can be a whole cup size every three months and being in the wrong bra (spilling out of it) can be embarrassing for a young girl.

A bra like Lucy is supportive, affordable and age appropriate

Lots of Moms think that they need to get their daughters into sports or minimizer bras to disguise their size. I NEVER recommend minimizer bras as they are harmful to the breast tissue and give the wearer a spread-out look that makes you look much bigger than you are. I recommend that teenagers should have a good sports bra but day to day bigger busted teenagers should wear well fitting bras.

Cost is of course a factor when children are growing into young adults. If your daughter is up to a D cup you can find great sales at the Bay or Nordstroms (their fitters are by far better than other high street stores). If your daughter is over a D cup then online stores like ours offer money off coupons all year round, just email them and ask for their recent discounts. The expense is a huge consideration, but the emotional foundations you lay down for a young woman by ensuring she is in the right bra last a lifetime.

Despite their protests at not being understood, teenage girls are looking to their Moms to learn about body image. In one of the saddest reports I’ve read this year, children as young as six were criticising their bodies and wanting to be thinner. Teaching your daughter that her body is beautiful and something she should cherish and look after is the best defense against the onslaught of media and peer pressure.The sudden emergence of boobs is a weird thing (I went from braless to a 32C in 6 weeks!) but with communication and reassurance at home you can make it easier for your daughter to transition from girl to woman. xx

The Beauty of Aboriginal Day

*Photo courtesy of www.petejones.ca

 

June 21st is National Aboriginal Day in Canada and events will be taking place across the country to celebrate the diversity of the Aboriginal culture, the importance of Aboriginal people to the foundations and progress of Canada as well as a celebration of the music, traditions and food.

I feel incredibly fortunate that one of Butterfly Collection Lingerie's beautiful models is Aboriginal. Not only is she a great role model for curvy women she also illuminates how our diversity is beautiful. On her return from the 28^th annual Miss Indian World pageant (check out her pre-pageant article here) I interviewed Vina Brown about what it’s like to be an Aboriginal model in Canada. I hope you find it as inspiring as I do. xx

What is your Aboriginal name? My Heiltsuk name is Glwaxx which means ocean- going canoe. My adult name is going to translate into Silver-tip Grizzly bear. There are different stages in one's life and my people believe that you need to change your name to suit you as you complete each stage in your life. It recognizes, supports and honors these important transitions.

Where did you grow up? I grew up on a small First Nations fishing village on the central North-West coast called Bella Bella.

Do you speak a native language? I don't speak it fluently no, I wish I did and that is something I hope to accomplish before I leave this earth.

What is the most important thing to you about being aboriginal? Wow very good question. The most important thing would have to be the connection to the environment and the land. I was raised to live with nature and to take my place within the natural laws not to be above mother earth and all her other living beings she supports. I find these teachings have kept me grounded and sane when sometimes mainstream society is out of balance.

How does the definition of beauty differ in your two cultures? In mainstream society I find that beauty is based solely on the external, there isn’t a great emphasis on women’s minds, spirits and hearts. Traditionally in most Indigenous cultures women were the law makers and teachers and valued for their emotional strength and compassion.  Being beautiful in your actions and spirit are valued extremely highly amongst Aboriginal people. Beauty has to exist within before it can shine through in its purest form.

What is the hardest thing about being an Aboriginal model?

Indigenous women are often portrayed in the media as victims of violence and addiction and this perpetuates the idea that we’re all "unhealthy and unstable". This is really dangerous to young Aboriginal girls who can feel hopeless and devalued within western society. I have been told my whole life that I am "pretty for a Native girl" a rather back-handed compliment. I am an Aboriginal woman and hearing comments like “Aboriginal women are ugly” not only offends me but I’m hurt on behalf of the beautiful women I come from, my grandmothers, mother, aunts and cousins all look like what Westerners think Aboriginal people look like, and they are all beautiful. Being an Aboriginal model I have to lead the way in changing people’s perceptions of Aboriginal women through education.

When I look at my people I see nothing but strength, power and the will to survive despite the many attempts to wipe out our very existence and this dignity to me is true beauty.

What do you think western women could learn from aboriginal perception of self esteem and beauty?

Vyna was one of our very first models

That it is our differences that make us beautiful. That our mother earth has blessed us with gifts and it is up to you to accept those gifts and nurture them for good. So much value is put on our external physical gifts and this makes women very vulnerable because our body is only temporary but our spirit continues on once our body returns to mother earth.  If your spirit is strong and your mind clear it makes you stronger to deal with ups and downs in life and it will naturally reflect on the outside as beauty.

Changing our mind-sets about what constitutes beauty and recognizing that there is no one perfect exterior will empower women. Beauty is within us all.

Who are your favourite aboriginal designers?

I love Denise Williams, Mia Hunt, Dorthy Grant, Pam Baker and the list goes on. I think there are some really awesome up and coming designers as well!

What do you want people to know about aboriginal models like yourself?

Well I can only speak for myself but I do want people to know that I am very proud to credit my unique look and different features to my Aboriginal side. My high cheek bones, my round face and my oval eyes are all gifts from my ancestors.  I will always be proud of where I come from, no matter what anyone else’s perception is because it has made me who I am; a strong, thriving, beautiful and loving Indigenous Woman. Kleco Kleco