The Price for Chasing Perfection

"I wish I had her boobs; they're so perfect and my boobs are so big and ugly." This is part of a conversation I heard between two young women (late teens early 20s) as they thumbed through a magazine. My heart sank at this statement because it felt like such a waste. This young woman, like millions of others, will spend a good portion of her life chasing a perfection that doesn't exist and the price will be missing out on the beauty and brilliance of her body today. That feels like a waste.

There's no one definition of perfect which makes it even more illusive; how will you know when you have the perfect body, hair, boobs, skin, wardrobe, home, job etc? The commonly held idea that the perfect body looks a certain way doesn't account for whether that body is healthy or happy. There's no hairstyle or waist size on earth that defines health or happiness.  

All these women were told at some point that they didn't have 'the perfect look'. They refused to change their appearance and remained perfectly them.

Big boobs often come under fire for being 'too big' and I've never understood what that means. Too big to be happy or beautiful or athletic or intelligent? I loathe seeing bodies being compared "Are small boobs better than big ones" or "Are skinny bodies better than curvy ones?" It's just so meaningless. It doesn't achieve anything to compare these things it only focuses us on the things that we aren't rather than celebrating the things that we are. When we compare ourselves to a mythical version of perfection we feel lessened. Less than perfect, less than right, just less. How is that helpful?

I wanted to shake the girl on the Skytrain who was berating her healthy, unique and beautiful breasts and say "Do you know how lucky you are? Do you know what it means to lose a breast, to live without a limb or to battle daily with physical pain? Be thankful you have the one perfection you could ever wish for; a body in perfect working order." I know this sounds like old lady preaching but it's so true. We waste so much time worrying about the things we aren't and this means we miss out on enjoying being us, being happy and being now.

This subject was particularly important to me this weekend because Remembrance Sunday is a time I remember friends I have lost both in and out of the military and the bottom line is... life's too short to worry about your size or shape. So let's stop waiting for the perfect backside or perfect boobs and get on with living our lives with joy in the perfectly wonderful and diverse bodies we have. xx

Are Women Taught to Criticize Other Women?

The Internet can be a fabulous place for women to find other like-minded and like-shaped women with whom they can share their thoughts and experiences. It can also be a place where women tear each other to shreds because of their weight/shape/style etc. This woman-to-woman criticism is nothing new but that doesn't mean it's something we should tolerate.

The Lingerie Addict Has Implemented a Body Snark Free Policy that encourages people to be constructive not destructive in their comments.

Lots of my fellow lingerie bloggers have experienced someone leaving catty, unkind or downright hurtful comments about another woman's shape/style/weight. Many, like me, operate a zero tolerance policy where if you make a vile comment about someone else, you're banned. I don't see this as censorship, I see it as good manners (but then again I'm English so it's all about the manners). I think there is a big difference between stating an opinion and being derogatory. For example, a recent debate about breast enhancement garnered the opinion from one reader "breast enlargement would never be right for me" that's quite different from the brainless (and frankly pointless) comment "all women with implants are bimbos" from one massively unhelpful woman.

In context these images are legitimate responses to excessive Photoshop, Pro-Ana sites and over sexualization of large breasts.

Does Social Media Pit Women Against One-Another?
I think there is an inherent flaw in social media that reduces life to black and white statements with little or no context. For example, there was a flurry of images with the slogan "Real Women Have Curves" which was initially a backlash to the disproportionate number of 'heroin-chic' images that were prolific in the late 90s (a look that was compounded for its dangerous implications when Kate Moss neglectfully said "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"). Very quickly there was a backlash to the 'Real Women' images saying 'All Women Are Real'.

This Vera Wang bridesmaid dress model has been severely photoshopped on the left. I don't consider this a 'Real Woman' this is a 'thinspirational' marketing tactic.

I don't think either of these statements can be taken without context. The Real Women have Curves wasn't originally a stab at thin women it was a response to curvy women being entirely ignored by the media. In recent times it has appeared again in response to the very unnaturally over-Photoshopped women we are exposed to in magazines. You don't get either of these contexts when you reduce the sentiment to one line. Women become isolated images or statements without complexity and context. It's up to the viewer to apply some commonsense and balance, something not everyone is capable of evidently so you end up with people who think it's perfectly OK to judge and slam someone based on their appearance.

This is as close as Social Media gets to dividing men!

I find it really interesting that we don't see endless montages full of muscle-bound men reading "Real Men Have Muscles" followed by another wave of montages full of skinny guys that say "All Men Are Real". It makes you wonder whether there's a divide and conquer attitude that keeps women in a permanent state of insecurity, chasing an impossible perfection.

Women are regularly pitted against each other in the media, almost for sport. Just think about 'The Real Housewives of...' series and you know what I mean. We aren't exposed to a whole lot of women supporting women regardless of their shape and size but we regularly see women trying to outdo each other in beauty or getting the man or winning the argument. If we're too busy slagging off someone else about their shape then we won't rise up and demand that the media portrays us with more dignity and diversity.

As busty women we are all too familiar with people stereotyping us based on the size of our breasts but we have a choice; either we can allow ourselves to be defined and feel bad about our bodies based on the ignorant and insecure comments of others, or we can choose to define ourselves and pity the people who have nothing better to do. xx

Why are we so ashamed of our cleavage?

A couple of weeks ago I posted the picture above on our Facebook page because I love clever advertising and of course every busty girl has some experience of this situation. I was surprised that a lot of the Twitter and Facebook comments criticized that the girl in the picture has 'Too Much Cleavage'.

When you consider that a large proportion of bra sales rely on bras that add volume and cleavage to smaller boobs, why do we frown upon naturally 'cleavaged' boobs? The strength of feeling that this image evoked really got me thinking about the social and aesthetic sides to the question; What is too much cleavage?

What is Cleavage?
Cleavage is a relatively modern term deriving from an Anglo-Saxon word meaning split or gap. It was actually Hollywood who came up with the term to define the area of visible 'divide' between the breasts of their actresses. During a time when appearing moral was very important Hollywood devised a code by which they could measure how much cleavage it was appropriate to see on film. You'll maybe remember a wonderful scene from the The Aviator when Howard Hughes is defending Jane Russell's cleavage to the Hollywood Censors.

Cleavage is a partly mythical creature as it doesn't exist all the time. Just as your lap disappears when you stand up, cleavage evaporates as soon as you take off your bra. Because cleavage generally only happen when we're dressed, Fashion has a huge part to play in the story.

Cleavage Through The Ages
Fashion has treated the exposure or concealment of cleavage (this is called decolletage - the cleavage visible in a neckline) very differently over the ages. During large parts of the 15th to 19th centuries cleavage was seen as a sign of affluence and status so dresses were designed to enhance and display cleavage. It was far more risque to see a woman's legs than her decolletage.

Giuliano Bugiardini (1475-1554) Portrait of a Woman 1525

Fast forward to the 20th Century and the 30s and 40s were spent keeping boobs well and truly under wraps. Pre and post World War Two societies were used to practicality and thriftiness so underwear in the US and the UK was function first, style second. Modesty included keeping cleavage to an absolute minimum (hence the Hollywood Code of Cleavage!)

During the 50s and 60s women's liberation saw a huge backlash to restrictive undergarments so cleavage went out of the window along with the burning bra. Women didn't want restrictive girdles and agonizingly rigid figures, they wanted choice and diversity, in more ways than one.

The Canadians Bring Back Cleavage!
Our current perception of cleavage has only been shaped in very recent history. In 1961 Canadian company Wonderbra unveiled a little something called "The Push Up Bra". By the late 70s this bra was underpinning a resurgence in cleavage. In the early 90s Wonderbra repositioned their 30 year old bra with cleavage written all over it.

In 1994 the iconic Eva Herzigova print ad "Hello Boys" graced every magazine, billboard and bus siding. Bras were no longer the 1940s functional or the 1960s restriction but a 1990s liberation of sexual expression. Boobs were sexy.

Pammy and Breast Implants
The increasing desire to have cleavage brought about the sharpest every increase in demand for breast augmentation. Medical associations across the world were divided on the safety of using silicone and the long term effects of breast implants. The US Medical Association even went as far as to suggest that being small breasted was actually a medical condition for which breast implants were the medical solution.

The international success of Baywatch brought about the breast implant poster girl, Pamela Anderson. Her gravity defying orbs made her one of the most written about women in the US and UK during the latter part of the 90s.

The Cleavage Backlash
By the mid 2000s the cleavage pendulum was starting to swing very much the other way (if only mostly with women). I don't think there was one single factor that started this but I know for myself that an insane amount of boob exposure made it increasingly difficult to be a big busted woman. Pammy herself became a caricature of herself.

We began to see a number of breast implants gone wild (I'll never forget my disbelief the first time I saw this image, I couldn't understand why someone would do this to themselves) which made big boobs seem ludicrous - indeed I think these extreme implants are insane. The prolific spread of the Internet meant that boobs could be seen, watched, downloaded and screen-saved at the touch of a button - men were suddenly very used to having 'instant' access to boobs and cleavage. It felt like boobs were public property, well mine aren't.

Have women made us ashamed of our cleavage?
As a busty woman I am used to staring and comments. I have always felt that it's part human nature - we're always interested in that which is different - and part bad manners which is why I keep the "are you having a stroke or don't you know it's rude to stare" line handy. 

I think part of why being a busty woman today is difficult is the parade of boob first, personality later women on Reality TV. The prolific "look at me, I'm famous for nothing" personality has been manufactured for quick ratings and often includes breasts being referred to as assets or property which perpetuates the idea that big breasts equal vacuous women. Women have fought for centuries to be given equal rights and to be taken seriously so I really hate that a huge proportion of Reality TV relies on watching women defining their lives by their breasts/plastic surgery/shopping and tiny dogs. We are so much more.


I refuse to be pigeon-holed by the stereotypes that society forms around me. I love my cleavage, it is a part of me that is soft and evokes images of Marilyn Monroe in a flawless LBD (well in my head anyway!) I love that Mr Butterfly loves me as much in a turtleneck as he does in a plunging V neck and so do I, so I will continue to mix it up and bring out my rather fabulous decolletage when I want to.

I would love to know your thoughts on the evocative and mysterious creature that is cleavage xx

Mammoir of a Busty Breastfeeding Mom

Elisabeth's book available at Amazon

This week we are incredibly fortunate to have the author of bOObs: a guide to your girls, as our guest blogger. Elisabeth writes Mammoirs about life as a busty woman that are empathetic, enlightening and entertaining for all women! 

When Christina Aguilera appeared on the Ellen Show shortly after the birth of her new baby, she didn’t hide her swollen, lactating breasts. Ms. Aguilera proudly rocked her bonus cleavage. I wish I’d felt the same way about my breasts when I first travelled down the nursing path. Well-endowed from puberty, I hoped my first pregnancy would place the emphasis on my growing belly -- not my chest. But where I carried my weight in my expectant condition couldn’t be ignored, or covered with ease.

Learn more at www.thebreastlife.com

In the early 1980s, my pre-baby 34DDs were a rare sight. It was difficult to find the pretty, feminine bras I longed to wear. Lingerie department saleswomen would direct me toward the back wall, where I found a selection of stiff, white, wired grandma bust supporters. Market demand for bigger bra sizes has since radically changed these options, for both regular and maternity wear. Although Victoria’s Secret doesn’t go past the DD mark , other manufacturers have stepped up to meet the fashion needs of a more busty demographic. The downside? Increased engineering support drives up production costs, which are passed on to the consumer. Women must spend more time and money to find the proper gear for ample breasts. Purchasing temporary nursing bras can stress out our clothing budgets.

Fitters claim that women wear up to six different bra sizes in their lifetime. My mammaries morphed that much over one nine month period. Experts also agree that a woman’s cups can double during pregnancy. That’s all good if you’re moving from an A or B to a C or D cup.  My girlfriends with smaller breasts were overjoyed at the prospect of their extra boobage. But it’s a whole other story when you start climbing up the alphabet cup toward a G, H, I, or beyond. I dove into bra cup denial when expecting my first child, praying that my belly would eclipse my ever-expanding bosom.

Lauren Nursing Bra from Royce

My bigger bust prevented me from taking advantage of all the perks offered to most expecting moms. The grocery clerk rarely asked if I needed help with my cart, because my chest made it less certain that I also carried a bun in the oven. Size also didn’t matter when it came to breast milk production. Carrying most of my extra weight up top didn't mean I was filled to the brim and wouldn't face supply issues. The transformation of my areolas was another big surprise. Similar to an over-inflated balloon, my nipples flattened out and disappeared into widening breast flesh. This led to challenges for my baby, as he had difficulty latching on to a level surface.  I would look down at his perfect, angelic face while he nursed, stunned that the circumference of my breast exceeded that of his newborn head. Larger breasts also required breastfeeding positions outside the typical babe-in-arms scene that appeared on most nursing guides.

Imagine my surprise when two subsequent pregnancies led to totally different breast experiences. No baby or boob growth was identical. Sometimes it was easy, and other days more difficult. I may as well have embraced and celebrated whatever happened to my chest – much like Christina Aguilera. Breastfeeding presented me with a whole new dimension to boob ownership, no matter how long I nursed or pumped. I will forever treasure the small window of time when my sweater puppies nourished and sustained a new life. That’s pretty amazing, whatever their size. 

Elisabeth Dale is founder of TheBreastLife.com and author of bOObs: A Guide to Your Girls, a humourous and informative book about breasts. Please visit TheBreastLife.com to read and share other breast perspectives or mammoirs, and learn more about supportive gear and garments that have earned The Breast Life Seal of Approval.